'How To Control Anger With Kids' How to know you are controlling as a parent

Many parents I speak with always ask me the same question;

How do I know when I am controlling?

The first response I always say is; what does control mean to you?

This is very important to understand. If it means:

1. Being told what to do

2. Stopped doing what you want to do

3. Taking over what you do/interrupting

4. Not allowing you to make your own mistakes

5. Trying to save you all the time to not feel pain

6. Not wanting to hurt your feelings by not saying how your really feel

7. Forced to do something you do not want to

8. Not hearing your side of the story

These are some examples of how some people see 'control'. Depending on your childhood experiences, this is where you need to become clear on how you see control. Remember it is never about stating if you have had a 'good' or 'bad' childhood. It is to remember that no matter what childhood you have experienced, you are a unique individual who will remember a situation according to your feelings. Every single person experiences feelings of pain, anger, frustration, happiness and calmness. Each emotion is remembered and linked to a specific experience.

When adults are saying certain phrases as the listed examples above, you as an adult will only see this as trying to help someone - especially a child. You of course, will not feel you are controlling. It is very easy to become offended when someone points out that you are controlling. This does not mean you are a 'bad' person, but they have a right to say how your actions make them have the right to feel the way they do. Let’s look at some example phrases related to 'controlling'.

As you read some of the phrases below, think how you now as an adult do not like certain things done to you, and how could they possibly relate below from your childhood? Can you link it to a childhood memory? The memory can seem so silly, but it is not, if it is leaving an emotion of feeling controlled.

1. Being told what to do:

- Go get dressed now

- I think it will be best if you talk to this person

- What you need to do is..........

- Because I said so

It’s not what is said, but how it is said. Sometimes adults feel it is better to say what must be done without the child having time to process and think what they are doing. This can relate to time (being ready for school etc) Yes, of course there are times where you need time limits, but watch where you make it a habit.

2. Stopped doing what you want to do:

- You are doing it wrong, you need to do it this way.....

- That's never going to get you anywhere

- It will be a waste of time if you do this

When adults see children doing an activity and they are doing it wrong, it is only natural to want to guide them in the right direction because adults feel they are helping. The problem is to be aware that it stops building the confidence of your child to naturally push themselves and they will become co-dependent on the adult. This means that they will not learn to trust themselves when they make choices when they are older. Again, look at the difference between the tasks. The question I always ask; 'Is it life threatening?' If not, try not to interfere too much in their activity development.

3. Taking over what you do/interrupting:

- Why didn't you add this to improve it?

- If you think it looks stupid, why didn't you......(give various suggestions)

- Physically walking away from you during an argument, not allowing you to finish your sentence once the adult has said how they feel

This relates to point number 2, but the difference is that giving too many suggestions and being upset because things are not done your way as an adult stops the development of self esteem and lifelong learning. You only learn through your mistakes and if a child is trying to work out how something works, it is very important not to interrupt or show them how to do it unless they ask for help. Never assume they want the help.

4. Not allowing you to make your own mistakes:

- Are you sure you want to do this?

- What if you fail?

- I don't think this is going to be good for you, listen to me, I know what I'm talking about

Mistakes are very important to make. I encourage that a mistake should be recognised and celebrated! It stops the children wanting to be perfect and not be afraid to 'fail'. If a child is not afraid to fail, they will naturally push themselves to do better in their passions and be successful as adults

5. Trying to save you all the time so that you will not feel pain:

- After a disagreement giving too many nurturing words from; no don't worry, it’s ok

- Keeping quiet to not hurt the child's feelings

- Walking on egg shells to not disrupt the situation

Many parents want to 'fix' or jump in to rescue their children when they are screaming or shouting. Many children say things like; it’s stupid, my work is silly. Parents without realizing feed into this by saying it’s ok. It is very important to show children that if they need support they can just ask for it. A simple phrase of;

' If you want me to help, ask me' or 'what do you think you can do to change this?' To even, 'What do you need?'

This stops children to think and become specific with identifying what they really want. If your child does not go through this experience, their boss who they eventually work for wouldn't be as patient as you are being as an adult.

6. Not wanting to hurt your feelings by saying how you really feel

- Well, they are only a child, so they won't understand feelings

- I need to be the adult and not put pressures on my child

It is very easy to assume children don't understand. That is just what the problem is, taking this away from them teaches them not to understand. Of course there is a difference between placing adult roles onto a child from paying bills, taking sides in an argument or divorce. When a child can learn that their parent has feelings and what they say is hurtful, they learn to take responsibility and develop empathy. Where adults need to be clear is stating exactly what they are doing. Example: When you throw a toy at me and say I am stupid, it hurts my feelings, please don't do this. They learn to do the same and say the same to you.

7. Forced to do something you do not want to

- You will wear this dress

- You will eat this food

- Pointing out what you have done wrong - e.g. you've only drawn 5 fingers

There is a clear line with setting boundaries, chores and telling a child what to do based on what you want as an adult. Ask yourself this question - Does it matter that they wear a yellow and blue sock? Does it matter to look both sides of the road before crossing? The difference between the two can be life threatening.

8. Not hearing your side of the story

- Do not back chat me, I am the adult

- Do not scream at me

- Not letting the child explain why they did what they did

- Do you know what I have done to get this for you?

Many adults believe that if a child says how they feel they are back chatting. There are definitely boundaries when you as a parent or adult have put forward that need to be respected. The timing of the discussion is just as important. When adults speak about what has just happened, although a child may try to 'get themselves off the hook' they are learning to speak. Phrases like: I hear what you are saying, but you know that hitting your brother on the head is painful and that is why I am upset. The clearer you are without emotions or manipulation, the more your child will learn how to take responsibility.