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'How To Deal With Aggressive Behavior' Tips and Techniques

Many parents ask me how do I deal with my child when they become aggressive towards their activity. In my previous blog; How to Control anger with kids/ How you know you are controlling as a parent explains why children react and what are the triggers to be aware of.

This blog gives tips and techniques to apply when doing a creative activity.

A. Let your child plan their schedule of art activities they want to do.

Ask them how they want to display this. Either on a visual calendar, or in a diary. Try not to interfere with their decisions, let them decide. They are generally deciding on themes, so materials can be adapted to budget. If your child changes their mind half way during activity or a day, or even wanting to display the activities - let them, there is a reason they are doing this and psychologically their brain needs balancing to process how they are thinking or feeling. (Don't point out they have made the change just go with the flow)

B. Do your research before the activity

There is so much available on the internet from pictures, templates and ideas. Have supporting materials that can make it easy for your child to do an activity. For example, if they judge themselves when drawing, get tracing paper. This saves triggers of frustration with your child's feelings. Have easy, intermediate and challenging activities so that they can choose the level of pushing themselves out their comfort zone

C. Do the activity with them

When you do the activity with your children, it is very important to not complete the task ahead of them. Do yours at the same pace as your child or do more than one. If you child makes a mistake, show how you have made a mistake. This helps your child to see that you too are human and are ok with making mistakes. Your attitude throughout the activity to mistakes changes triggers of frustration into calmness.

D. When children react - how to manage this?

If children are reacting, its because they don't know how to say they want help and possibly comparing themselves to your capability, hence the previous suggestion in C.

Phrases to avoid during the reaction: (phrases that are to comfort)

Its ok

Lets try another activity

Well, why don't we try this......

Or reactive phrases - starting to shout

Throwing the activity yourself

Stating phrases like, don't be a baby / stop it!

I always say this to parents; If your child is now an adult and they are working for a company. They do an activity that they cannot do, become frustrated and start shouting and throwing their paperwork. Do you think their boss will use comforting phrases? No, of course not. What their boss expects them to do is ask for help and find a way.

When there is reaction avoid comforting. Very powerful techniques which I use frequently are:

1. Looking directly into their eyes at their eye level

2. What do you need from me to help you? Would you like help? I am here if you need help, but you need to ask me.

3. If they are screaming, 'I am here to help you, but I cannot if you continue to scream, when you calm down I will help you'. I physically walk away.

When children react and throw activities away (as some adults would call throwing a tantrum) I look at them and say; 'If you need my help, ask me what you want me to do'. I say it calmly and with an assertive tone of voice, stand up and walk away from the activity table. You don't have to leave the room, but walking away breaks the cycle of 'sucking' you into the situation. You can start folding something or starting another activity. If you feel upset that your child is upset - this is where the problem lies.

Its naturally a part of a parent which you need to learn is control that cannot be controlled.

Our techniques have been tried and tested over 13 years. We found children who were 'comforted' when activities didn't go their way became very reactive as adults in our adult classes. The adults would throw pencils, shout, hit the table. The reason they did this was because they were taught this behaviour was ok when they didn't have what they wanted.

This is in no way throwing a tantrum which adults are very quick to label. It is purely teaching your child how to ask for help, how to learn to know what they need to make a change to their situation, and the most important part - to trust themselves to make their decision that works for them. If you as a adult comment that children throw tantrums when you see them, its very likely when you were a child you were told constantly by your parent that you were throwing a tantrum. You only know and do what you learn..........


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