'How to help my child deal with emotions' How to help your child deal with anger
So many times I have parents ask me this question; 'How can I help my child deal with their emotions, particularly anger?'
My response is always the same: 'How do you deal with your anger?'
We as children have grown up in a society to be taught that anger is bad. Where does anger start? Think why you become angry as an adult......
Most of the times you become angry because:
- You don't feel listened to
- You don't feel respected
- You don't feel you know how to say what it is that you actually feel
- You feel put down, criticised or rejected
- You can't do something or don't know how
- You are not in control of a situation
When an adult allows these emotions to eventually surface, they are displayed in certain ways. Either constructively or destructively both physically or verbally.
Try to think when you were a child how your anger triggered. Were you given the safe environment to express this? Was there someone to speak to you and explain what happens when your emotions surface? Were you given solutions how to deal with your anger constructively?
After asking most adults - I would say the answer is no......
Why? We are taught anger is a bad emotion, yet it is an emotion that we will experience and cannot avoid. We are not taught how to process, possibly understand and work through the emotion so that reactions can be avoided.
Many parents feel that they are being pointed out to be a 'bad parent' when I ask how they deal with their anger. I mostly get responses that it is a very happy household. Why are we so scared to address our feelings? Fear of failure? We had to learn it somewhere?
YOU are a human being who cannot avoid being angry at a stage in your life. How you choose to deal with that anger and teach your child is another option available to you.
What is the first step in acknowledging your anger?
1. Take responsibility and apologise to your child. I do this frequently. I get angry, and when I do - I say to my child that I am human and I'm sorry they had to witness it. I explain why I am angry and what I could of possibly done to help myself. I especially explain that although I am angry, that when they feel angry to learn from me and rather talk to me.
2. Set up a safe space. A place where if you or they need to punch and let out frustration, this can be done in a room without judgement. I usually suggest having punch bags, gloves. Activities that can be used to work out frustration. Regular exercise or play that involves exhausting energy is usually a very constructive way to let go of frustration.
3. Do not answer and give suggestions or your personal opinion. Usually when anyone is angry, the last thing they want to hear is suggestions. They want someone to listen. Let them speak and keep quiet. When they have finished ask them what they need from you. If they want advice they will ask for it. I find the more you try to stop and especially give advice, the more children do not want to speak to their parents.
4. Allow them to take responsibility to build confidence to ask, find a solution whilst you are in a safe space. Watch your body language. Sitting directly across from them is an attack position. Try to sit to the side of them whilst they are speaking.
5. Give them space. If they need to be alone - give them this time. You can obviously monitor and keep an eye on them, but they need to feel that they are not smothered. Children are very truthful and will definitely let you know when they need help.
I had someone attend a parent workshop which was creative ways to deal with your child's anger. I made parents aware that they are doing their best and to give themselves a break, but that if they did not take responsibility for their anger they would create angry children.
I gave many tools and techniques to introduce that could balance their emotions and make sure that their child could constructively and safely let out their anger. What was interesting was that every tool and technique I gave, this particular parent said it would never work. This made me see what type of childhood they had, and how they were taught to see situations. The parent would not listen to anything I would suggest because they were not listened to as a child by their parents.
Eventually out of frustration, this parent said that their child was so angry that they punched through a glass door. I responded by asking;'why are you not listening to your child in order for them to go to extremes to break a glass door?' The parent eventually realised that their parents loved them, but didn't listen to them.
Your children are your mirror and if they are angry, it is because you are angry.
The wonderful thing about knowledge is that it empowers you and gives you solutions. What can you do to help yourself and your child?
- Do activities that create a sweat like:
(exercise of any kind, climbing activities, swinging and fast rides, slides, rolling down a hill, rollerblading)
- Do activities that do not need to have an end result:
(activities that can be broken and are not controlled like: baking involves breaking eggs, clay, chopping of food, weeding the garden, cutting or tearing paper)
- Schedule your time:
I find that most behaviour changes when parents schedule at least 1 hour in their day that is not interrupted by phones or appointments spending time with their children. That hour will give you 4 - 5 hours rest to do what you need to do. This is tried and tested very successfully.
